Thursday, September 28, 2006

People Suck


So how may of you reading this would go to a store with your kids (if you have any, if not then speculate) and watch your kid intentionally spill a drink on the floor and then sit there and wait till an employee came by, point at the spill, say you're sorry, then walk away? If you're like me then you would take some responsibility for your child. Help the employee clean up the mess. Offer, at least. You have no idea how many people down here don't give a shit. Am I not in the bible belt? Where's the "southern hospitality"?

Most people suck no matter where you are. Don't believe anyone when they tell you that people from so and so are the nicest people you've ever met and that they'll do anything for you. I got news for you. Show up at these people's houses and start banging on the door shouting that "they're out to get you" and see how many of them open up. Zilch, baby. That's right.

A joke for you that I made up:

I like my women like I like my presidents....southern and stupid.

YEAH!!! I dare you to read all my posts and tell me I couldn't write at least 50% of the sitcoms that are on TV right now. Take a look at that pic up top. That's comedy gold!

People Suck


So how may of you reading this would go to a store with your kids (if you have any, if not then speculate) and watch your kid intentionally spill a drink on the floor and then sit there and wait till an employee came by, point at the spill, say you're sorry, then walk away? If you're like me then you would take some responsibility for your child. Help the employee clean up the mess. Offer, at least. You have no idea how many people down here don't give a shit. Am I not in the bible belt? Where's the "southern hospitality"?

Most people suck no matter where you are. Don't believe anyone when they tell you that people from so and so are the nicest people you've ever met and that they'll do anything for you. I got news for you. Show up at these people's houses and start banging on the door shouting that "they're out to get you" and see how many of them open up. Zilch, baby. That's right.

A joke for you that I made up:

I like my women like I like my presidents....southern and stupid.

YEAH!!! I dare you to read all my posts and tell me I couldn't write at least 50% of the sitcoms that are on TV right now. Take a look at that pic up top. That's comedy gold!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

I forgot where I live


So usually when we close the store at work whoever's in charge plays a CD over the intercom. Most of the time it is something horrific. For example....we had this CD we gave away for buying various cleaning products. It was supposed to cheer you up while you cleaned. The title of the CD is.... are you ready?

"Good Clean Fun".

It sucked. It had crap like the Barenaked Ladies and the B-52's on it. All this upbeat junk that I had to listen to at the end of my shift. Oh God, it was horrible. And it was played constantly. As an indication as to how much I hated this CD I googled it to try and find out what was on it and I typed in "Good Clean Gun", which is what I wish I had when I was force-fed that noise.

Anyway the musical selections have improved somewhat, although now there's an 80's CD that's made way too many appearances at closing time. So yesterday I decided to put together a mix of different stuff. I was operating under the assumption that if I put in a wide variety of music the CD would please everyone. So I put stuff like the Ramones, Pearl Jam, James Brown, Etta James, Tribe Called Quest, Johnny Cash, Santana, Sublime, The Temptations, Janis Joplin, some Puerto Rican music, The Beatles....all this different stuff. And people complained! There were some who kept telling me the whole CD should've been country. That's when I remembered where I was. Good Ole Tennessee! I was trying to expand some horizons, you know? Instead I felt like Prometheus (look it up). "I brought them something good... and this is the thanks I get!" It wasn't a total loss, though, not everyone hated it. Still, if they didn't like it they can go back to listening to "Good Clean Gun".

I mean "Fun".

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Religion and Razorblades


Ok so I've decided that the current world we live in is too messed up so I'm going to create a new one. This new world will be based upon two ideals. The first ideal is that money will be abolished. Instead, razor blades will be used to settle any and all debts, public or private. I'm not talking about any ordinary razorblade, I'm talking about the Fusion blade from gillette. Five blades, people. That's right. The monetary value of this wondrous piece of technology is beyond measure and its merit as a tool of male grooming is vastly underrated. This means, of course, that the male gender will be in control of my new world, as it is today. Do not fret, though, because they will all be impeccably groomed.

The second ideal is that your religion will be kept to yourself. As we all know, religion, before any other reason, is responsible for the deaths of countless people. So to avoid that in my world you can believe in anything you want, even spaghetti monsters, but you can't force your beliefs on other people. This time around, the native peoples of this world will be able to keep their religion and not feel bad about worshipping a god in charge of smooth shaves because as we all know, there is no wrong religion.

And everyone will be happy because they will all own foot massagers.